In death there is peace.

It is hard…to gather courage to write about the two losses of lives that have affected you majorly and still do in some way or the other.

[I]


I wrote this on 25 December 2011. The day they say the biggest tragedy struck our family. I write this here today because it’s almost a year now since this happened but the loss still feels very recent…

In death there is peace.

When I read this line two years ago in one of my English lessons in school, I don’t think I understood it that well then as I can today!

His face was peaceful and calm, despite all the frenzy around him. Everybody was panicking. Fearing the worse yet hoping their fears to not come true. But the worse had come. It was bound to. This soon or this late, I’m nobody to say.

Funny, how we all are crying, our eyes are blood red and our heads are throbbing. But he is so quiet and serene and composed, lying under those white sheets. Far away from the frenzy and chaos, sorrows and grieves of this transient world.

They carried him down in sheets like a cradle. He lay there, curled up like an embryo, ending up in the same position as he had started. At that moment, we all knew, our worst nightmare had taken its form. On the contrary, he seemed to have started a new life somewhere. A life, which won’t be as torturous and painful perhaps. He deserved a better life. With such a golden heart as his, he could never think ill of others. His innocence would often be taken advantage of as he readily trusted anyone who showed little care and love to him.

I love you. Even though I did not say or show it much but I know I did. I miss you. The void that you have created in our lives, I don’t think can ever be filled. Just know that we all love you much and will always.

[II]

Revisiting some places can stir a lot of emotions sometimes. The place I revisited brought some bittersweet memories. Sweet because of the people, and bitter because one of them has left us….forever.

Even if you try to push away the thoughts and look for distractions; the air, the objects even the signboards stare at you, reminding you of the time spent, the things said and the laughs shared.

A sudden loss of someone is supposed to leave you with what kind of emotion?

Anger – at them for leaving you suddenly in the middle of nowhere….forever.

Pain – for the loss, the fact that it’s never going to be the same. One will never get to see them, talk to them, hear them, get things for them or share with them.

Painful Happiness – for the memories of beautiful moments to cherish.

I think it leaves a Void. Forever.
 

A gaping vastness of nothingness, where you search- like a mad scientist frantically searching for the microchip he dropped in a room full of people or like a hungry peddler who dropped and lost his piece of bread in a pile of garbage. You search for one dim light of hope, to find that thing that might falsely promise to compensate for what has been lost.

Even though in my locality, I’d never been to that little market, where this friend took us to have very special Hot Chocolate Milk. The shop was closed unfortunately. We had rolls instead. It was a good time spent with some light-hearted and some serious conversations. Recently when I went to the same place with another friend, out of all the shops there, he ended up choosing the one with the special hot chocolate. I almost instantly ordered that. I couldn't have it that day either. They had just given the last one to the girl beside me. There was a sudden rush of nothingness. Every sound in my vicinity died, every visual faded as I could just see the repetition of the same events at the same place. I did not know what I felt.

Perhaps, that same void filled me once again.

Terrifying Monsters !

His eyes were wide open, full of hunger, searching and marking his prey. His body was ready - placed diagonally with legs apart, elbow positioned strategically and hands wide open- to attack. Waiting for the doors to open, he lustfully scanned everywhere to find the right target.

If you imagined a wild animal, ready to plunge at its prey, you are not completely wrong!

This mental picture that you probably formed in your head is exactly how I or probably the other girls/women see from inside the metro while getting down at the central secretariat vacating the women's compartment to be filled by men. Sorry, beastly men!

When I was being pushed from side to side by loads of people while getting out of the metro the other day, I dodged three elbows and two legs only to meet an open hand ready to grope. The guards are just not enough these sick and sex-deprived perverts, DMRC should probably put some barricades. But what DMRC or anybody else should do isn’t my point. My point is, where are things going wrong that mere site of women excites these men that they don’t want to miss the slightest opportunity to touch a female body.

Even if I try to figure out a plausible reason behind it, my mind fails completely. Probably men themselves can answer that!

Something I wrote long back, probably when in school.

Not bad for that time I guess :p

Things I want to say, just don’t come out of my mouth

I always am, at loss of words

My feelings are immense

A word just can’t do justice

It’s impossible to explain every time.

I’m heard but I’m not listened to

I can explain but only if you have time,

Only if you are not in a hurry,

So I may gather them all

They are vast and immense and infinite

They are mine but a stranger’s too

They originate from me yet are so unfamiliar

They wander into the world unknown

They dance, they wobble, and they tumble up and down

They are silent and motionless

They are lively and buoyant

But they don’t come out, just remain within.

Locked away into the confines of my mind

And a route which leads to the heart.

Panch Parmeshwar

I had always wanted to make a movie with utmost perfection.
It didn’t take very long to realize that it was nearly impossible at this naïve stage where I had just learned to start looking at cinema from a completely different perspective. Initially it was just entertainment for weekends or a reason to hang out with family, and then I started to marvel at cinema and eventually became critical.

Watching a movie and liking it or disliking it is completely different from making one. The amount of thought that each detail requires is far greater than to be just accomplished in a week. No wonder movies take months and many times, years to be made. 

Nonetheless this experience of making a movie was priceless no matter how flawed it might have been. It felt like living a complete time period.

Right from the ideation to showing the final product to our actors the experience has been exciting.

The Idea

We all (my classmates of BMMMC batch 09-12) know how we submitted our scripts before the deadline. It was rushed and dashed through. It was kind of a race that we had to run willingly or unwillingly.

Honestly speaking, the chances of my script getting selected were 50-50. My proposal could have been rejected on the grounds that I had highly tampered the story of one of the greatest literary writer of India- Munshi Premchand. Though being a great admirer of him myself I had taken care not to disrespect it in anyway. Couldn’t have done justice to the details, feeling and thoughts with which Munshi Premchand had written the story, I wanted to try nevertheless. Also not much thought had been put into its execution. However, it had a strong story and the script broke the linear pattern of the story. Yet it was simple as it was intended to be.

It took me two days to realize how much work had to be done.

Forming the team

 

Choosing my team members wasn’t a difficult task. I knew the kind of people I’ll be comfortable working with but it was more important for them to be comfortable with me. Though I have realized now, more than being comfortable one should choose to work in the project she believes in. It was important that my team considered it as their movie and not alone mine. We worked quiet peacefully. I can say that. :-P

The Actors

One of the biggest challenges of this movie was talents. They should understand the character, should be fluent in Hindi, should be willing to spend four days shooting with us in those particular dates and also look like their characters. So we decided to contact a few dramatics societies of University of Delhi. Even though I wasn’t expecting people to turn up somehow…. a few did. And they were enough.
So now we had 20 odd people on board with us on this project. It was going to be exciting and fun, no doubt!

Shooting and Editing

This was the most interesting phase. Those four days of shooting with its ups and downs were memorable. Searching the location, coordinating with the talents, checking their costumes, reaching on time, setting up the camera, goof ups, onlookers, location owners, food, 20 talents including my whole family with ma, papa, sister and brother, so many guys, so many people and so many other people, time constraint, unwanted noise, unwanted elements in frame, talents not reaching on time, too much wind, too much heat, too cold, too sunny, hungry us, continuity errors, axis breaks, following the script, improvising a bit, little tension amongst the crew, have to keep the talents happy, talents who liked crew, crew who liked talents, talents who didn’t bother much, talent who wanted to shoot, focused talents, annoying talents, talents who smoked, talents who didn’t turn up because they were too drunk, talents who wanted to shave their beards, talents who didn’t have kurta’s…..uff talents!!

Shooting Over! Editing Starts!

It took all of us two three days to get over our shoots. It was almost like a shoot hangover we had. We wanted to shoot again, experience it all for a little longer.

Editing period was a realization period. Realizations of all kinds. How we could have changed this shot, how we didn’t take a particular shot, how we broke a rule and also how beautiful a particular shot has come, how the audio is bad, or how the audio is amazing and also how attached we got to the whole thing. Also how the whole script could have been altered a bit. We also found new friends in our talents.

Editing was also about fights. Yes we had ours too. But more than fights it was disapprovals I’d say. Anyhow we handled it quiet well and maturely I guess.

Showing the movie

 Parents love their kids work irrespective of the fact how it actually is. My parents were very much a part of it. It was THEIR movie too. They both acted in front of the camera for the first time. It was big for them. No wonder my father watched it thrice. His acting was appreciated by many, even my teachers….and he loved hearing it. J

Even though we wanted all the actors to see the movie together, however it couldn’t happen. Nonetheless we saw it with half the cast. We saw it at one of the talent’s flat. They were excited. And so were we. All the frenzy and noise died as the movie started. I loved that silence, where everybody waited for their parts and would recite their dialogues in their heads as it was shown on the screen. It was fun watching them watch themselves in the movie.

Showing the movie to the external examiner was the hardest! He is a critique and a good one. That’s it. :-p

A big big big thank you to ma, for being there and doing all she could and helping in every possible way she could; to my sister for not annoying me ;) Kidding! She was very helpful too; to papa, if it were not for him we wouldn’t have had such awesome location and so important a character of the movie; my team, for considering it their movie and working hard on it; to my other friends who have been a silent help throughout and before as well and to god for taking me through this bumpy and adventurous ride!

None of us might become film makers in future but then this movie and experience will remain special forever!

Getting Inspired, Gathering the Courage: Dead Poets Society

The spirit of the poet is free, indomitable, invincible, unwavering, unconventional and yet romantic, impulsive, passionate and quixotic.

Anybody who can understand the nuances of life is a poet at heart.  One needn't write couplets or verses to be one. Your heart should rhyme with your mind and spirit, you will be the poet of first order my friend.

There is a little bit of poet in each one of us. But unfortunately it’s dying. And that’s what the movie Dead Poets Society is about. As much as this movie inspired me, it depressed me too. I cried watching  it. It is one of those movies which inspire you to liberate your minds, expand the horizon of your thinking, have the confidence to think differently, freely, explore your thoughts and have the faith in yourselves, your ways.

This movie teaches, motivates and gives courage to live in synchronization with the world through your unsynchronized ways and thoughts. It asks you not to not follow the ways of the world, but to not lose yours in trying to keeping up with them.

The major obstacles in thinking without stinting are –

1. Our own minds blockage. Its own walls, created over time, blocking it from exploring the unexplored.

2. The environment we are brought up in, the society we live in, which doesn’t want to break away from the conventional ways, because then, it might lose its power over people’s lives.

3. Our parents and teachers who have this strong need of being affiliated to a society and follow its ways to make it easier to live for themselves and us.

But only if God really wanted to make life that easy and simple to live!

Why do you think we all have different brains? Why do you think all our five senses do not sense and perceive the same thing in the same way as others?

There is a reason we all are different, we all think differently. There is a reason we all are living different lives and don’t have same situations to face. Because he wants us to do everything in our own special ways. Every person has a different way of dealing with things. True that we feel that somebody else might handle a particular situation much better than us but may be that situation or problem is not meant to be handled in that person’s way!

So instead of thinking what the other person might do or what ‘should be’ the best way to handle your problems, you’d rather start doing what ‘your’ instinct or heart tells you.

Because in the end, it’s always right! ;)